Missing the Invincible

From my book that I decided not to go ahead with publishing:

Rochester, UK 2002

I didn't plan to arrive so late. Now it's midnight and besides a piece of paper with an address, I have nothing to guide me to my destination. There are no taxis outside the train station. The night is warm but I can feel first drops of rain landing on my head. I have no map and there is nobody around to ask for directions. I walk down the station approach but it's so freaking dark everywhere that I find myself escaping back to the station gates where at least there is a little light. 
I dial the number of the person I came over for but there's no reply. I don't know whether I am worried or desperate but when my eyes adjust to the darkness beyond a dim glow of the only street lamp I can see and I can make out a shape of a car parked at the end of the road, I do one thing that comes to my mind - I walk towards it. 

It's an old, red car full of stuff that obstruct the back window so even though I am now only few steps away I can't tell if there is anyone inside at all. There is. Two guys, one at the wheel and the other at the passenger seat, smile as I stop by their car. The window goes down. 

- Hey - I say - do you happen to know where this road is? - I pass the folded piece of paper I'd been holding in my hand to the guy in a passenger seat. and as I do so tens of thoughts run through my mind. I hope he knows where it is. I hope he doesn't. What the hell am I doing. It's midnight. I don't know these guys. They are probably going to kidnap me and sell at whatever market they are going to. Don't be ridiculous. 

- Yeah, cool, will get you there, jump in - the driver says with a smile. 

Cool. Great. Shit. I don't want to sleep at the station. The car is full of random stuff. Shit. 

The rain is getting stronger now so I grab the handle, open the car door and get in. I learn they are from Egypt and they're waiting for someone who is to arrive later so they have the time to drop me off. They learn I pretty much have no idea where I am, that I came to visit someone I really want to visit and that nobody answers the phone. They basically learn I would be easy to rob and nobody would know a thing. The drive takes just few minutes, they stop the car and show me the house I am looking for. 

We say goodbye about ten times, they wish me luck and as I watch their packed up car disappear round the corner I am pretty sure this is the dumbest, stupidest thing I have ever done and maybe ever will but I am alive and nobody kidnapped me or tried to kill me and I am standing at the door I needed to find. 

Invincible, that's how I feel. 

And right now, as I sit here with good few things on my mind, I damn wish I had the same belief in people, in circumstances, that I had back then. It would make everything a little less complicated.

Because jumping right in is often the best way to get to that destination...

Jazz, my crazy pup who thinks she is invincible indeed ;) 

The third draft and the decision

Having a puppy means I all of a sudden find myself awake during big chunks of every morning that I had happily slept through a few weeks ago. Sometimes she sleeps until 5am, sometimes until 6am before she needs to go out and as once she is up, she requires constant supervision or house will be chewed, there is not that many constructive tasks I can fill my mornings with. Instead, I find myself having a lot of time to think.

Jazz at work with me

From all this thinking came a conclusion and I would like to apologise for what I am about to say as I really do value everyone who comes back and reads this little blog. I don't run any detailed stat counter on here as I have never planned to monetise this blog, it's largely for my own self expression, some pleasure of documenting life, share and meet other bloggers. My simple stats tell me there are a couple of thousands returning readers on this blog each month which might be nothing to a google analyst but I do value every single person who pops over here for a moment. I feel like I owe you this post.

Without further waffle, I am really sorry to say that having gone through my third draft of the "Never Give Up" book, I decided not to proceed further for now. Here's why. To do any story justice, I believe it should be as full a story as possible. With a job like mine, more of a lifestyle job than a city career, private life intertwines very closely with working life.
When I first started writing the book in 2012, I had all the intentions to self-publish it but the last four years have brought with them life events I have never expected to experience and which have and continue having a significant bearing on most of my work decisions, directions and choices.
Part of me thinks that sharing the full story might help someone out there but that full story is not just mine to tell.

I am not saying I will never publish the book. Maybe one day I will but I don't want to be keeping anyone waiting.
Even though I am not proceeding with the book, I will continue blogging on here so feel free to stay around.

Once again, apologies to all who keep coming back, reading, sending me little messages and just being awesome and who were looking forward to seeing my little story out there. You have not missed that much I promise ;)

To those of you who maybe feel worried by my reasons for not going ahead, please don't. Remember the biggest cliche of all: life is either a joke that we can take seriously, or a serious matter to be taken with a smile...we always have a choice.

Until soon!
W. x

Attitude

Before you read this guys, honest warning. This blog is from now on going to be a bit of a waffle about my thoughts connected with writing the 'Never Give Up' blog to book project and life in general. There will surely be horses mentioned but probably not in the context some of you used to come here for. So, for all my training updates please see the Aspire Blog :)

A pond near my parents' place. Nice spot to sit down for a minute, feed the ducks and think

It's 40C in the sun today. Poland became a tropical country this summer. The temperatures have barely ever gone lower than 25C since June and recently fluctuate around 30C-37C. It certainly feels like I've received a decent dose of vitamin D to last me for a long while.
Although I am here out of necessity it is a wonderful occasion to spen
d time with my family. I haven't been around them for any consecutive length of time since 2003 so let's just call it a massive silver lining! Life is such an up and down curve that you've got to appreciate everything good that happens and cherish every minute.
You might think that maintaining a positive attitude when things are not going as we would wish is the most difficult task but from my experience this is not the case. It seems to me that the more I lose, the more troubles I have, the more determined I am to keep hold of my attitude. At times, it's the only thing we can control when other events and life's happenings carry on. The difficult bit is the constant questioning of own actions, the anxiety and uncertainty which can be overwhelming.

Oddly, I have some pathological need to try to help others improve, succeed, achieve. I came to conclusion that if I shaved off the failures from the book, it would just be some look-at-my-great-luck self-publication which would be neither helpful nor would I identify with it.
I wrote a first version of the introduction to the book too and I might share it on here at some point just to see if I am brave enough to post it ;) As I am sure you too notice that generally not many people write about their failures for the simple reason that they are afraid of disrespect. If you honestly share the lows of your career you might come across as a loser so I do wonder if I am not shooting myself doing this.

In present time I continue to search for a yard base (details here) for myself to freelance at and to run Aspire's coaching from. The process will certainly make for some amusing chapters in my little blog-book. Every day I try to find places that might be suitable and get in touch. The responses are varied, let me tell you!

Some people never call back, some never reply, some just say no thank you, some are interested but don't have the capacity to accommodate my idea, some go to some pleasant lengths telling me to... just buy my own yard if I want to have the benefit of one...I do wonder if they treat their clients the same way as job enquirers.

On the days when I get an arrogant, thoughtless reply I think of how many times Harry Potter manuscript was rejected before it made onto the No 1 Bestsellers list ;)

I should probably say I am very outgoing and love cold calling but unfortunately I'm generally a shy person if I don't know someone so contacting all these yards just like that is not such an easy task. On good days, the cheeky replies have zero effect on me and I just plough on but on others they are of course disheartening, I dwell on them too much and they can drag me down.

Thankfully, I also have a restless drive inside me that pushes me on and tells me to learn from each encounter and put it behind me. Another thing that pushes me on is support from total strangers, fellow bloggers, riders and friends who would love to see the Aspire project finding a place to thrive at so huge thank you goes out to all of you!

Until next ramble!

From a Chapter: Late March. Reflections. Norway. Virtual Coaching. Planning.

- Have you never thought of getting a proper job? You know, your studies and all... - my grandmother looks at me with her light-blue, watercolour like eyes. Her face small and wrinkled. She isn't being spiteful or dismissive. Tone of her voice is loving, bemused somewhat, suspended between concern and disbelief that someone might indeed seriously consider a future of travelling around and teach horse riding. There is a shy smile on her face and the fact that she speaks quietly tells me she isn't sure if she should ask this question at all.
I leave out the little detail, the fact that I would love to travel even more, teach all over Europe or maybe even beyond, stay at small, shabby stables and big luxurious centres, anywhere where there are grassroots riders wanting to explore and learn.

My grandmother worked in a textiles factory. She spent thirty three years of her life working in conditions that would most probably be considered high-risk nowadays and which certainly did damage her health. Overwhelming noise of machines, fumes, smell of vinegar, hot steam. She worked three shifts, sometimes only having several hours off in between them. She's over eighty now and despite her questions, she believes everybody should do what makes them happy.

Textile Factory, Lodz, 1934

 

When she asked me about that proper job on this snowy March afternoon, just as I returned from Norway where I had a great time running one of my Aspire Coaching Weekends, I waited for a feeling of defensiveness that I used to get when confronted with other people's views on my chosen way of life. The feeling didn't come though. It doesn't any more.

At 34, it's very clear to me, that life is an extremely short affair. It always seemed that way but as time goes by, the infinity loops back at me. I guess it is possible to derive some pleasure out of living to someone else's design but my genetics forgot to implement such coding.

Teaching riding, as long as not done mechanically, is more than "a proper job". Although dismissed by many, I believe the discovery process we experience whilst training, is enriching and fulfilling. When we take time to understand the training process, ditch contraptions we put horses in, give up on training methods that cause pain to both rider and a horse, then the sessions become a self-discovering journey. Even for very young riders.
If as a trainer, you can help a rider to get closer to that fulfilment, you are doing something worthwhile. And that is all that, in my opinion, really matters. In any job. To do something worthwhile.

In my view, riding & training are like books & arts :) Neither is absolutely necessary to survival but both feed those parts of us that are able to give back to life what's most enjoyable: dreams, senses, emotions, passion, dedication, adventure, freedom.

I start telling my Grandmother about my recent work and I can tell that although she listens, she will never comprehend my take on it.

The weekend was a superb experience, as ever in Norway. I love working with people there, there is a lot of hunger for knowledge, for new ways of learning, for different ways of looking at the same thing.
Below are some images from the weekend:

Train arrives to take me from the airport to Oslo centre. The station is tiny and remote so the funky, modern train that pulls in looks completely surreal and out of place. The top of the train says "Lillehammer" - the name I recall from the 1994 Winter Olympics. It makes me smile :)

Oslo. Electric cars, cheerful colours on buildings and much less snow than in the suburbs.

Simba the cat on my many layers. To those who think it looks cold on the photos - it was not that bad. As they say, there is never a bad weather, just a bad choice of clothing. I was well prepared this time and didn't notice the cold at all. Only the ice like crunching of snow under my soles gave away the -19C  that visited at night ;) 

Video analysis in a cute little log cabin/wooden mountain cottage. 

Sunday morning. On way to the indoor arena for in-hand work with the horses.

Yummy, home made cakes! Delicious :) best served with horsey chats ;)  

In-hand work session

Some of the riders in action: 

On the above photo, the 4 year old TB youngster, Red, is being babysat by a racing pony, Naomi. This was Red's first time ever in an arena. In Norway, race horses get normal riding horse education as well as race training. Naomi races too with her young rider. 

I was shocked to hear today that Red fell over on the track this week and fractured a bone in his knee. He is a lovely horse and although he will never race again, I really hope he makes full recovery and is able to dressage happily. 

And finally, Maria (with Fame) who organises my coaching weekends there. She used to write a lovely blog (HERE) but is nowadays rarely seen in the blogosphere. Wonderful host and a great friend. 

I received a really generous feedback from the riders and although it feels wonderful it must be said that without those riders' open minded approach and their obvious enthusiasm for their horses, none of those fantastic moments would be possible.

Now back home, I am preparing the notes and virtual coaching plans for those riders who signed up for it at the weekend. After some reflections on how Aspire training has worked in the last 2 years, I decided to transform my usual online training plans into a separate Aspire Equestrian E-Academy: Virtual Coaching Club.

If you would like to receive more information about it, or if you know someone who struggles with transport/access to trainers and would like to experienced motivational, committed coaching, please leave me a comment (add: "not for publishing" in the comment and I won't make the comment public) with your email address and I will send you full pdf.

Next Mobile Coaching Weekends are coming up also in the UK. The first one will be near London, on the 18th and 19th May. Please feel free to share the below poster with anyone who you think might want to join in. If you have any questions, email any time as per details on the poster.

There is another exciting weekend coming in June (1st-2nd June) and you can stay in touch with all Aspire training activities by joining the Aspire Coaching Weekends 2013 on Facebook or email me so I can put you on my mailing list.

*****

- Yes, I probably could get "a proper job", do something good - I say to my Grandmother and for a moment she looks surprised. Or hopeful. I find it hard to guess - but instead of that Gran, I decided to do something amazing...;)
She laughs and I wonder if she truly got it. But I don't ask.

Disclaimer: Please do not be compelled to quit your jobs (unless you really feel you should) to also do something amazing. Keep your jobs that pay you nicely so you can afford the amazing horsey training... ;)