Wednesday, 24 December 2008

The state of mind


What I love most about Christmas is this feeling of belonging. The feeling of being in the middle of this beautifully scented energy and excitement, being surrounded by series of events that seem somewhat magically choreographed. All I ever have to do is to let myself be led by the perfectly skilled partner of the Christmas dance to the tunes of family voices.
I could never ever sit still in my life. When I was 12 years old I wanted to run away from home and travel around the world. I left my family home at 18 and never really went back. I was never sure how to answer questions alike 'where do you live'. I've always seemed to be in a few places in the same time, some things here some things there. But to not be at home at Christmas time is still a very alien, unpleasant feeling and I am not taking to it well.

It's been a rough day today for me, very very sad. In Poland, the Christmas Eve is the proper family affair, the day when my family gets together, have a long, 12 dishes supper, we open presents and chat nonsense. It's normally a lovely, lovely evening. My dad always buys a massive Christmas tree which is always too big for the house and my mum always despairs and he always has to cut it in the end because the ceiling isn't high enough. He knows this of course. But he always gets the tree that is too big.
My brother and I used to dress the tree up in the morning of Christmas Eve. We would get a bit grumpy about doing it as we got older but we seem to have continued with it nevertheless.

Well, today I was nowhere near all the above. I woke up knowing it won't be an easy one and started the day frantically writing more Xmas cards on way to work trying not to miss anybody out. We had a quiet day lessons wise but I actually really enjoyed them.
Went out later for a meal with two very special friends and spent late afternoon and evening going around places with one of them.
If I had to choose only two things to keep from this year I would go for meeting these two ladies. There were some other great happenings in the passing year but I think I can safely say they don't quite match up.
To feel like there is someone out there who will always pick up the phone, who will drive for miles just to cheer you up and will always try to help no matter what is something that means more than words can describe.

Even more so on days when the tears just keep flowing because there is no more space in the body for the sadness to go. When you feel defeated by own sorrow and don't know what to do with yourself to stop it, you don't even know whether you want it to stop as you are afraid that it will come back even stronger if you do so.

I spoke to my family over the phone. They were sat at the table passing the receiver to one another, sharing a few words with me. So close and yet so far.

I would like to thank you my two very special friends for being out there because without their presence life would be a very heavy baggage to carry.

I am off to get more Xmas cuddles from Ricky now.
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