But it's been getting harder and harder to convince myself. I think we all have some sort of a borderline in ourselves. We can stretch it and stretch it but it's only a matter of time until it snaps.
And today mine did so.
It's not even that I was angry, mad or annoyed with the way she patronises me and turns everything I say around to make some totally unnecessary, unpleasant comments. I sat there on this mare listening to this woman and something in me just...resigned. I have had enough. I am sure there are many things she is right about but her ways of "teaching" don't work with me.
They have the opposite effect and bring the worst in me. So what's the point?
It wasn't a last minute decision to end the training with this trainer. I've been thinking about it since January and I did try to ignore all the bad things and tried to get the most out of every session. But I was so looking forward to riding today what with very little time in the saddle I am spending recently and I finally realised I really don't enjoy all this putting down business and behind the back comments.
No point.
On a more cheerful note, apart from the above, I had a lovely day. Taught some really nice people who make it all very rewarding. My driving lesson went well, then staff training.
Went house viewing after work only to find the house wasn't suitable, then off to grab some food with my dear friend. It takes a fair bit of forward planning to see her now but it's so very worth it. I only hope your migraine didn't get worse with all that driving around :(
In the last five years I have grown so socialised into not seeing some very-important-people on any regular basis that it has almost become my second nature not to even try to change this painful status quo. You just tend to live with it, settle for a hologram like presence of them made up of voices, txts, emails and other electronic means.
It's not enough though, doesn't work that great a deal and it taught me that if you only have a chance, keep seeing your special friends, they make world a place worth living in.
P.S. Judging by some comments and emails I seemed to have worried a few people with my remark on packing my bags and leaving England. It wasn't a serious consideration, just a way of describing my rather far from positive mood. There would however have to be many more negatives for me to even start thinking about such decision in real terms.
I've always been on the move, some nomadic nature of mine. Always wanted to go farther and farther. Not so much anymore. I seemed to have grown very fond of this little island, of people, of the way equestrian sports flourish here and how important they are for so many.
I don't think Ricky would be happy away from here. Dare I say, I don't think I would. I even like the 101 types of rain!
Not to mention that it would be a hell of a journey to come to visit my Friend once a week, can't be dealing with that!
Yes, it's a tough time for me right now for a few reasons. But I got through worse in the past...as someone said in one of the comments: 'See you at the summit'. Wherever that is.
I feel like I've never had a home. You know? I feel related to the country, to this country, and yet I don't know exactly where I fit in. And the same thing applies to the theater. I don't know exactly how well I fit into the scheme of things. Maybe that's good, you know, that I'm not in a niche. But there's always this kind of nostalgia for a place, a place where you can reckon with yourself. Now I've found that what's most valuable about that place is not the place itself but the other people; that through other people you can find a recognition of each other. I think that's where the real home is.
SAM SHEPARD, Don Shewey's Sam Shepard
SAM SHEPARD, Don Shewey's Sam Shepard
4 comments
I never thought you actually ment it, leaving that is! It is nice though to get that 'I feel much better' feeling! it is all part of life, ups and downs. The road we are walking is never straight. Many bumps on the way! The trick is how to negotiate each of them! In a way you just started facing them. I know you will cope, just give it a bit of time. Getting used to them, is all that it takes and the summit when is reached will be well worth it! I have seen it and been there myself, I can say Ahhh! that is it......
how wise and brave of you to see your trainer for what she is. Just a thought, do you intimidate her? Sometimes people who are so nasty and cutting know they are not quite as good as they wish they were, hence ...nasty. Wonderful to know you are putting down roots in England! Good luck in the house hunt. D.
Hi Wiola, What you need is a new and positive trainer! Get back on track with feeling good about your riding again and everything falls back into place. I have been where you are many times and at one point in my career was 12 000 miles from home with no support network cloase by so I can id with some of the things you feel. Make a list of people you would like to train with and find out about them.
It may be that you would like to train with that person later on...
My current trainer is someone I admired when I was 18 and didn't feel ready to have lessons with ( finally plucked up courage when I was 29...)
Hang in there! Alison
Thank you all for your thoughts.
Anonymous - that's very true, guess sometimes I just wished it was all easier but hey ho. Patience seems to be the key right now...
D. - No idea if I intimidate my trainer, I wouldn't think so as I'm nobody of importance at the yard, just one of many other instructors and an average rider. But who knows. Funny thing is, when I train with her on my own (very rarely) she is almost normal and quite helpful but when we have group staff trainings (most of the time)she undermines what I say and do. Oh the joys, at least don't have to deal with that anymore.
Alison - thank you! Yes, I definitely need to get my riding back on track. Have to wait until we move though as teaching and commuting leaves me with nil time for riding. Good idea with trainers' list, will have a good look into who teaches in the area we are moving to.
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