Friday, 12 March 2010

Worried


Tiredness has this annoying talent of bringing the worse worries out of deep corners. I still feel totally optimistic but when I am tired I question this attitude wondering whether it's a sign of madness or quiet confidence. Somewhere in between most likely.
Some colleagues at work were discussing pension planning recently and I thought, damn, I barely plan my next month's earnings, my pension is as abstract a subject to me as is anything beyond immediate future. This is not necessarily by choice, more by necessity.
I do worry about sustainability of my job. I love doing what I am doing and I would never want to do anything much different. Office work would kill my joy for life and I can say this confidently as have experienced the feeling before.
However, the amount of taxes I have to pay as a self-employed riding instructor makes me question the long term future of my job as it is.
I would actually love to do it all voluntarily or for some sort of sport charity.

I also worry about Kingsley. Rode him today and he actually felt quite good, much straighter and happy to go forwards. This is not to say he was fine. He 'left' right hind leg behind a couple of times and is still very crooked when asked for a bend (either way really).
I am not sure if to be happy the rest makes him feel better as that's what happened before: he was off work, then back into it relatively well, we got to 35 minutes walk work and he started going downhill and eventually couldn't cope.
So I worry about Monday and what the Vet and Physio have to say.

However, on top of all these worries, I also feel very optimistic and somewhat happy for what I do have. Sustainable happiness always seems to come from not material but emotional security.

P.S. If you have an hour to spare have a look at this documentary about an Irish Race horse trainer and his horses: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00rbm34/Storyville_20092010_Race_Horses/
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