Wednesday, 24 December 2008

The state of mind

What I love most about Christmas is this feeling of belonging. The feeling of being in the middle of this beautifully scented energy and excitement, being surrounded by series of events that seem somewhat magically choreographed. All I ever have to do is to let myself be led by the perfectly skilled partner of the Christmas dance to the tunes of family voices.
I could never ever sit still in my life. When I was 12 years old I wanted to run away from home and travel around the world. I left my family home at 18 and never really went back. I was never sure how to answer questions alike 'where do you live'. I've always seemed to be in a few places in the same time, some things here some things there. But to not be at home at Christmas time is still a very alien, unpleasant feeling and I am not taking to it well.

It's been a rough day today for me, very very sad. In Poland, the Christmas Eve is the proper family affair, the day when my family gets together, have a long, 12 dishes supper, we open presents and chat nonsense. It's normally a lovely, lovely evening. My dad always buys a massive Christmas tree which is always too big for the house and my mum always despairs and he always has to cut it in the end because the ceiling isn't high enough. He knows this of course. But he always gets the tree that is too big.
My brother and I used to dress the tree up in the morning of Christmas Eve. We would get a bit grumpy about doing it as we got older but we seem to have continued with it nevertheless.

Well, today I was nowhere near all the above. I woke up knowing it won't be an easy one and started the day frantically writing more Xmas cards on way to work trying not to miss anybody out. We had a quiet day lessons wise but I actually really enjoyed them.
Went out later for a meal with two very special friends and spent late afternoon and evening going around places with one of them.
If I had to choose only two things to keep from this year I would go for meeting these two ladies. There were some other great happenings in the passing year but I think I can safely say they don't quite match up.
To feel like there is someone out there who will always pick up the phone, who will drive for miles just to cheer you up and will always try to help no matter what is something that means more than words can describe.

Even more so on days when the tears just keep flowing because there is no more space in the body for the sadness to go. When you feel defeated by own sorrow and don't know what to do with yourself to stop it, you don't even know whether you want it to stop as you are afraid that it will come back even stronger if you do so.

I spoke to my family over the phone. They were sat at the table passing the receiver to one another, sharing a few words with me. So close and yet so far.

I would like to thank you my two very special friends for being out there because without their presence life would be a very heavy baggage to carry.

I am off to get more Xmas cuddles from Ricky now.


teacakebiscuit said...

Oh no! Feel better soon! I know exactly how you feel, well not exactly as I've just flown 5000 miles to be with my family as I can't bear the thought of Christmas without them either.

Sending lots of love and hugs and happy Polish Christms thoughts your way and am hoping that you'll be able to start making some Christmas traditions of your own with Ricky to celebrate with for all the years to come.

I'm planning to be around for at least two weeks, hopefully three, I'll drop you an email to find out when you'll be around and we can do lunch at the granary or something if you're free one lunchtime :)

Daun said...

Wiola, Merry Christmas! Your post was pure poetry, especially the part about sorrow overfilling your body.

Life is full of minor miracles and your continued journey is one of them. Enjoy!

Lots of love and cheer,

Unknown said...

Nin - thank you:) Definitely do drop me an email and come down. I am around basically all the time on the days you know apart from first Sat of January.
See you soon!!x

Unknown said...

Daun, thank you and equally Merry Christmas to you too!
I am feeling much better today, lots of good things happening :)

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