Thursday, 23 April 2009

Thursday mix and a few words on leaving England

If you read my blog regularly you will remember a post I made back in January about having a bit of an "issue" with my trainer. I thought that was bad but it hasn't been much better ever since. In fact, it's been getting worse and worse. I kept riding at her lessons because I thought 'hell, she does make me feel like shit but there are times I learn something or other and in the end of the day I am not any super rider, got to listen to people who have more experience' etc etc
But it's been getting harder and harder to convince myself. I think we all have some sort of a borderline in ourselves. We can stretch it and stretch it but it's only a matter of time until it snaps. 
And today mine did so. 
It's not even that I was angry, mad or annoyed with the way she patronises me and turns everything I say around to make some totally unnecessary, unpleasant comments. I sat there on this mare listening to this woman and something in me just...resigned. I have had enough. I am sure there are many things she is right about but her ways of "teaching" don't work with me. 
They have the opposite effect and bring the worst in me. So what's the point? 

It wasn't a last minute decision to end the training with this trainer. I've been thinking about it since January and I did try to ignore all the bad things and tried to get the most out of every session. But I was so looking forward to riding today what with very little time in the saddle I am spending recently and I finally realised I really don't enjoy all this putting down business and behind the back comments. 

No point. 

On a more cheerful note, apart from the above, I had a lovely day. Taught some really nice people who make it all very rewarding. My driving lesson went well, then staff training. 
Went house viewing after work only to find the house wasn't suitable, then off to grab some food with my dear friend. It takes a fair bit of forward planning to see her now but it's so very worth it. I only hope your migraine didn't get worse with all that driving around :(

In the last five years I have grown so socialised into not seeing some very-important-people on any regular basis that it has almost become my second nature not to even try to change this painful status quo. You just tend to live with it, settle for a hologram like presence of them made up of voices, txts, emails and other electronic means. 
It's not enough though, doesn't work that great a deal and it taught me that if you only have a chance, keep seeing your special friends, they make world a place worth living in.

P.S. Judging by some comments and emails I seemed to have worried a few people with my remark on packing my bags and leaving England. It wasn't a serious consideration, just a way of describing my rather far from positive mood. There would however have to be many more negatives for me to even start thinking about such decision in real terms. 
I've always been on the move, some nomadic nature of mine. Always wanted to go farther and farther. Not so much anymore. I seemed to have grown very fond of this little island, of people, of the way equestrian sports flourish here and how important they are for so many. 
I don't think Ricky would be happy away from here. Dare I say, I don't think I would. I even like the 101 types of rain!
Not to mention that it would be a hell of a journey to come to visit my Friend once a week, can't be dealing with that! 
Yes, it's a tough time for me right now for a few reasons. But I got through worse in the past...as someone said in one of the comments: 'See you at the summit'. Wherever that is. 

I feel like I've never had a home. You know? I feel related to the country, to this country, and yet I don't know exactly where I fit in. And the same thing applies to the theater. I don't know exactly how well I fit into the scheme of things. Maybe that's good, you know, that I'm not in a niche. But there's always this kind of nostalgia for a place, a place where you can reckon with yourself. Now I've found that what's most valuable about that place is not the place itself but the other people; that through other people you can find a recognition of each other. I think that's where the real home is.

SAM SHEPARD, Don Shewey's Sam Shepard



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